Honest thoughts

It's hard to not feel like a failure. After working so hard to be accepted and finding out after eight months that you're no more accepted than when you first came. Days like today make me want to crawl in a hole and pretend I never tried. Weeks like this make me wonder why I ever bothered.

Did I make a difference?  Am I any different than the hundreds of others that come through to do their "good work"?  Is being here long term anything different than short term?  I am still going to leave and life will go on as if I were never here.

So why bother?  Why did God call me here? Did I do all He wanted me to do here? Or did I fail?  Is my failure just because of how things are or because I didn't live up to my calling? Did I not rely on God enough?

And how do you return home feeling like this?  How do you explain to those waiting at home for your incredible God-filled stories?   How do you explain that you didn't live up to what you thought?

But that's just it. All those thoughts are all about me. Is this just the enemy trying to distract me in this last week here?  

I know there were God-filled moments. I know I saw Jesus in a smile or little hand.  I know that though I may not have made giant waves, I did make small ripples and we have no way of knowing what God can do with that. I have to leave here knowing and trusting that this is all God's work anyway and these are his kids.  His people.  And I am His as well.

So I leave my hiding place with humility and grace and trust Him to do all He wants in me and through me this last week here in Haiti.




"I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to make many ripples"
- Mother Teresa

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
- Philippians 4:13

"I keep me eyes always on The Lord.  With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." 
- Psalm 16:8

Coming Home

Two weeks from now I will be boarding a plane and leaving this beautiful country I have called home for the last 8 months or so.  I don't know how to describe all that has happened in the last couple months to bring me to this place... That may come in a later post.  I just know that flying over these beautiful mountains and saying goodbye will bring a rush of mixed emotions.

My time here has been such a wonderful experience. I have learned so much about Haiti, the Haitian people, ministry life, working and living closely with others and of course about myself and my relationship with God.  I have experienced joy like never before and my heart has filled with love to depths I never knew existed.  I never thought I'd ever be ready to leave this place and that brings a lot of questions and doubts. I do know though that I am in no way ready to close the door on Haiti forever. This place is still home to me and probably always will be but I need a break.

I could head back to Haiti as soon as August or September or it may be in the more distant future. I may come back with these kids who are now part of my heart or it may be somewhere else in Haiti. I may work for awhile in the States and come back in years to come. For now I just know that I am coming home for a couple months to pray about this and get some perspective outside of the chaos of life here.

While I am sad to be leaving the kids here I am so looking forward to seeing and spending time with my family and friends at home. I am looking forward to worshipping with my church family each Sunday.  I'm looking forward to a New England summer and all that it brings. I'm looking forward to replenishing my spirit and seeing what is next.  I know He knows.