It's hard to not feel like a failure. After working so hard to be accepted and finding out after eight months that you're no more accepted than when you first came. Days like today make me want to crawl in a hole and pretend I never tried. Weeks like this make me wonder why I ever bothered.
Did I make a difference? Am I any different than the hundreds of others that come through to do their "good work"? Is being here long term anything different than short term? I am still going to leave and life will go on as if I were never here.
So why bother? Why did God call me here? Did I do all He wanted me to do here? Or did I fail? Is my failure just because of how things are or because I didn't live up to my calling? Did I not rely on God enough?
And how do you return home feeling like this? How do you explain to those waiting at home for your incredible God-filled stories? How do you explain that you didn't live up to what you thought?
But that's just it. All those thoughts are all about me. Is this just the enemy trying to distract me in this last week here?
I know there were God-filled moments. I know I saw Jesus in a smile or little hand. I know that though I may not have made giant waves, I did make small ripples and we have no way of knowing what God can do with that. I have to leave here knowing and trusting that this is all God's work anyway and these are his kids. His people. And I am His as well.
So I leave my hiding place with humility and grace and trust Him to do all He wants in me and through me this last week here in Haiti.
"I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to make many ripples"
- Mother Teresa
"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
- Philippians 4:13
"I keep me eyes always on The Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
- Psalm 16:8
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